the Threshold

It is the eve before I embark on this whirlwind summer. Many challenges and unknowns lie ahead but there is also the promise of great celebrations. Tonight, I am at the threshold of a terrifyingly exciting yet perfectly orchestrated adventure. However, my white knuckles clench around the door frame as time persists in pushes me onward.

For a girl who has spent countless days dreaming of lands beyond the midwest and has ventured excitedly away from small town Iowa, I usually jump at the chance to go anywhere. At a young age I set out from home with my red wagon trailing behind me to spend hours collecting all the lady bugs in the neighborhood. I moved away from home for a summer before finishing high school for a job that has become a part of my passion. I find navigating my independent self in my yellow Volkswagen Beatle across the metro a relaxing errand. Never before have I been so terrified of leaving home.

Instead of courageously stepping out the door, I find myself desiring to hold on to what is familiar. What once were new adventures have now become a part of my comfort zone. I know how to make mac and cheese over a fire that I can build. I know how to watch MeTV as my dad dozes off on the couch. I know what streets are one ways in down town Des Moines as I show out-of-town friends the sculpture garden. I want to hold on to what I know - I love what I know.

But I must love God more.

I secretly love spending seemingly pointless nights spent scrapping the bottom of ice cream bowls as my parents and I watch reruns of sitcoms. Not so secretly, I love sipping on my morning coffee out of my favorite mug. I love how excited our miniature poodle gets when I say the word walk. I love the way the sun looks as it sets over freshly plowed fields out my bedroom window. And this is why I must take the next step.

God has called me to love him more. My family and friends, my job and passion, my hometown and comfort zone have enriched and filled my life with speechless love. However, it is time for me to say a temporary goodbye to the love of the familiar. Instead it is time for me to go and share this love.

As the saltwater dries in the corners of my eyes, I curl up with my blanket for one last sleep. Clutching the heated sheets around me, I embrace all that I know and love. A night that is usually spent in sleepless excited anticipation has instead turned my pillow case damp as I close my eyes and drift off into lamenting sleep. I choose to love God more than my fear of the unfamiliar, and tomorrow I will step across the threshold.